First, I want to bring to your attention on that truck image up there what’s going on under the tailgate. See those five extra marker lamps stuck on there? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that in the world, but there it is, on a Ram right in their own brochure. I assume it must be to make the wide dually body compliant with federal requirements that state that chonky fellas like this one need extra clearance lamps on the sides and three “identification lamps” so everyone knows a wide boy is there. Strangely, the two “clearance lamps” at the sides aren’t even as far to the edges as the regular taillights, and probably should be on those wide fenders, which stick out the most, right? Plus, it feels lazy and cheap that they just re-used side marker lamp units, but whatever. This was ’80s Chrysler, they weren’t really swimming in cash.
Also interesting: look at these great, vibrant interior colors! Ketchup, Mustard, Blue Plaidness, and Foggy Yawn. I pity the fools that picked the gray option there. Nothing but pity.
Also, I looked at this picture and thought that truck was parked in front of a raging bush fire, until I realized that was just the reflection off the lake. It sure as hell looks like a fire, though. I bet there’s some lesson here about the fractal design of tree tops and the plasma edges of a fire, but I’ll leave that to someone actually smart. And finally, a confession. You know the fantastic old Ram hood ornaments? These:
Well, when I first went off to college, at Emory University in Atlanta (I had a two-year grant; no way we could have afforded that otherwise, and after that grant was up, I was out) I was in that awkward process of getting to know the stranger who was now my roommate. Things were sorta difficult at first, until one night we bonded by going out and stealing every single Ram hood ornament from the university’s fleet of Ram trucks. It was amazing. We ended up with a huge haul that we wore as pendants or gave as gifts and were best pals after that shared nighttime experience of running, pulling, and hiding from security guards. I still have one around here somewhere, I think. Just don’t turn me in to campus police, narcs. Also, look at how those manly men can see everything in the bed without a stepladder or climbing gear. What a backward time that was. Also that Twizzler red is or was awesome! But that blue, with plaid insets has my bellbottoms ringing. After the 1981 facelift the dually markers continued as they were, memorializing 1973-80 styling until the last crewcab variants were phased out in 1990. Driving the other night, I saw a set of now-familiar amber ones in my rearview. But the proportions seemed too small. Sure enough, what passed me was a mid-sized crossover to which the driver had added them. The pickup equivalent of adding an aftermarket spoiler to your Corolla during the ’00s I guess. Almost as much real estate as the tailgate folded down! How do I know? Cuz I rode and drove endless miles in a Ramcharger. Enough to know that (1) locking the “electronic” diff was a “pray it works this time” every time and (2) the aircon was so poor that our dogs would get right next to the vents to get the only “cold” air blowing right across their panting tongues which filled the cabin with moist, dog breath. So yeah, what you did is not forgivable. Dozens of out of control, stinky fogged up trucks. That’s on you friend.
