The criteria used to select these is simple: what old-ish car commercials had the ability to plant a song (or, more commonly, a tiny, miserable fragment of a song) into my head, and there it would stay, until I seriously would consider using something like a hammer to attempt to remove it. And now, the goal is to plant one or more of these into your head, too! You’re welcome!
Ride, Pontiac Ride! (Or Drive, Pontiac, Drive?)
Okay, maybe I kinda like this one in a perverse way. It’s just so fucking earnest, like you know everyone in there absolutely, in that moment, believed that Pontiac built excitement, and they felt that call of the road, deep, deep in their netherwhatsits. It’s the ride, Pontiac ride! part that gets stuck in my head. Get on your Pontiac and ride! Or are they saying “drive?” I’m not sure. Sometimes I play this in our Slack room and demand everyone sing.
That Scion One With The Dipshits At The Party
Oh god, I hate this one. It was for some Scion limited edition anniversary thing, and while the start with all the car clunking sounds is kinda cute, when the people start rhythmically saying the model names in that patter, it kinda makes me want to explode. Why is it so irritating? And why does that lady saying eff arreee esss lodge so cruelly in my head? Ugh, make it stop!
Ooooooh Like A Rock!
Ooof, you all know this one. Oooooooh, like a rock! Try not to belt that out after hearing this. It’s so cloying and saccharine and based on the video, it seems like these Chevys exist in a world where nobody can just put something in something else, they have to drop it from some height with a clonk and a cloud of dust, like whatever the hell is in that truck bed, or that dude’s really filthy toolbox. Ugh, enough with the rock.
So, Have You Driven A Ford? Lately? Asks The Woman And A Choir Incessantly
This one grates on me because the only part that sticks is that last bit with the swelling HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FORD? and then the little “lately?” and the rest of it is unmemorable high-pitched filler. Like that “When was the last time you had a car like this to drive?” as a freaking Tempo lumbers around. Though this does have a clip of that Tempo driving all around that giant “O” from this ad:
So, you know, that’s something. I’m glad Ford got a bit more out of whatever they spent to do that.
You Asked For It, You Got It, Toyota, The Fuck Around And Find Out Of That Era
Okay, the jingle is only at the end of this ad, and it can lodge in your head irritatingly, but let’s talk about this weird-ass ad. First, it’s in a library? A college library? And why does the big guy say to the guy he calls “Brain,” “If I can find a car built like me.” The fuck does that mean? Tall? Skinny? Too old looking to be in college? Able to wear a cardigan? And then the conceit of the ad is that Big Man on Campus’ wish for a car built like him that he can get for “under $3,000” is realized, as a Corolla pops into existence right in the middle of the library? Accompanied by the very justifiable screams of the librarian? Did this help people choose cars? Was anyone cross-shopping a Corolla, a VW Rabbit, and maybe a Renault LeCar or Honda Civic and was pushed to get the Toyota because they really thought it handled being materialized into a collegiate library better than any of its competitors? I don’t get it. Anyway, now the jingle is in your head. I guess I’m sorry I did this to you. Have fun this weekend, anyway. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNPTlT8HXjk And then nightmares from that guy flying into his car by Hertz. Help me, I am being taken to a world where gravity does not exist and car rental companies take you and put you is some land yacht by flying. Being put into the driver seat, my eye. They forced them into it. Missed opportunity not incorporating Robocop into this campaign. “Hi, I’m Jill Merriam…. ….. I wanna see ya in a kia” 1-877-KARS 4 KIDS The worst jingle ever associated with vehicles. I completely stopped listening to radio to avoid possibly hearing this ad… and then they started buying billboards which caused the same terrible jingle to rattle around in my head. Even posting about it has started it up. My day is ruined. That ad is also a scam, in my opinion. The ‘charity’ is a summer camp for kids in Long Island. You’d think your helping to cure cancer or something. But no. I hope the individual who wrote that deeply unpleasant jingle was forced into witness protection. https://youtu.be/MC2jcjy1aGE and https://youtu.be/50aNnvRHiHE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0eLwrrTBlc But any of them will do. And by “do” I mean “implant an ear worm that won’t go away.” Oddly, they don’t even sing it over and over, but it still somehow sticks in my brain. Maybe it’s enhanced by the weird jumping and the fact that really, I know if I’m driving one of these Toyotas the only thing I’ll be feeling is I wasted time driving an appliance when “I coulda had a V8!” (augh! another one! and not even technically car-related…). Full Volume YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING A KIA FROM SUMMIT PLACE KIA And, of course, “Chevy Ci TAAAAAAAAAAA tion!” I don’t think they’re anything better in a car commercial than a guy who sounds like the narrator from the Big Lebowski singing about hate leading to innovation . . . in diesel technology. https://youtu.be/7cgdM0gWGoU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LTEiGQOlhQ https://youtu.be/kZT-Seg_Lzk Maybe you’re in the mood for hot dogs, apple pie and serious malaise? https://youtu.be/yYXfdnhh2Mo How about a ride with Honda’s Hoodie Ninja? imitates John Goodman “More like nonja!” https://youtu.be/bL7Z1Mrl25o I could go all day. YouTube has become the Satellite of Love. And now the GM ev commercials with Fleetwood Mac’s “Everywhere”. I feel like they’re trying to play off the dude skateboarding to it Dreams all chill but couldn’t get the rights so went with Everywhere and now everybody’s starting to play it again and it’s ruined for me. Here’s a commercial I used to sing along with as a kid. Chevy’s Heartbeat of America. Probably going to be stuck in my head the rest of the day now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnClLZbNh6I
